You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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