i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
smell my finger.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
