In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
