So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
