There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
