i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
