M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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