Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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