well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
