Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
