Pappa wants mamma naked
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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