Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
