Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
