He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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