I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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