Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize