Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
