so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
