So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
