My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
