OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
