The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
