I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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