I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
