I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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