I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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