2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
