I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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