My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
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Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
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I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.