thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
