My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
