Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
