I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
