I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize