i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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