im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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