So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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