You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
