Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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