I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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