my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
