Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
