guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
