Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
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Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
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Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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