you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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