I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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