you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
