i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
