I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
