how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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