just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
