3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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