update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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