I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
