The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
