I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
