my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
